a response

i started writing it; but the story is just too long, complicated and incomplete. the emotions-- too deep. the confusion-- too unsearchable.
i must start from now.
the central basis: Galatians 6:1-10 together with learnings through the Holy Spirt.

i address this to the man who's leadership allowed God to take me from 2005 brokenness to 2010 discipleship, i write this in response to his letter.

first, my heartfelt words to you and Sister Meredith:
pastor, remember the intensity of empathy you had for the teacher you had to lay off one school year in Philadelphia, but told everyone (whoops!); you know, the situation that had you literally in tears, begging for her forgiveness? yes, all the way to the point where she had to console you?
THAT is the empathy i've felt for you in this season, and 2-3x that for your wife, our beloved sister Meredith. i can't imagine what you've both been through, how you've had to maintain distance simultaneous to a posture of love and weigh decisions, no doubt feeling the weight of thousands of souls on your shoulders. knowing that people are talking, asking questions they couldn't handle the answers to (and may have been none of their business), while the web is buzzing WHILE, IN CONCERT, maintaining sharp focus on God and your family AMIDST such tangible distraction must be the polar opposite of easy. your communications regarding the situation likely don't scratch the surface of the turmoil. believe me: i accept every sentiment of apology with sincerest forgiveness. taking time away from the crowds and disciples, to re-focus, is completely biblical, circumstances notwithstanding. i love you both dearly with the small portion of God's love that i possess, and pray for God's peace to reign in your home and lives forever. a good number of alcf'ers are in unity in love and prayer for you both, as you likely know. we've been grateful to God for how you've served us and Him over the years; the reality of that sowing time, enabled seasons upon seasons of harvest. you will be in my prayers, also, for seasons to come.
the remainder is solely to the recomissioned pastor
simultaneous, seemingly conflicting, truth is also biblical (take ephesians 2:8-9 juxtaposed to james 2:24, for example); it needs to be unpacked. you delivered God's word with boldness, wisdom, clarity and conviction. your gifting was undeniable, distinctive, and God-given.
however, you became proud.
it was obvious enough to be overlooked; like the glory of God screams through the beauty of his creation, and many people don't even take notice, similarly your growing pride was left unchecked. i must admit, looking back, i caught glimpses of it.
1. after one easter production you described a godly pride that you felt as sr. pastor. you? you who used words like an expert potter uses clay couldn't find a way to express yourself other than putting the word "godly" in front of your pride? i was confused. i've since become familiar with the feeling you were describing, so i don't knock the feeling at all. but, i have had to work it out with God to separate that feeling from anything resembling pride, out of fear and reverence. i recognize that feeling now as satisfaction, rest or security, but by God's grace, severred completely from pride given the known dangers. at that time i just thought to myself, "wow, i didn't know there was a pride that's godly..."
2. one day you described a distinction between you and some other leaders, and how becoming full of yourself and prideful was just NOT one of your struggles. oh and i've got to hand it to you, sold it with great humility, referencing your understanding of the proverbs 16:18, what you've learned from people who've gone through a fall, and everything. man, i was so convinced that i thought to myself, "i can't wait for a time when i know exactly what my struggles are and what my struggles are not. what a sign of spiritual maturity." but wait pastor, allow me to take the over-arching scripture reference @galatians 6:1-4. sharing each others' burdens here speaks to the circumspect walk that we're called to in ephesians 5:15-17 also. think about it.
HOWEVER,
those were THE ONLY two solitary instances (~5 second utterances each) that caught my attention, in 4 years of regular church attendance hearing from you ~45 minutes per week, catching "enduring truth" when i occassionally needed a break from my job during the workweek, in addition to pouring through CDs M-F on weeks when i was sure you were talking directly to me during the sermon (common sentiment with a lot of attenders: your quote was always, "i know i'm ringing doorbells").
and how undeniable is the fact that you've been mightily used of God? the day i rededicated my life to the Lord at alcf God had already been working on me for weeks. my excuse during the weeks prior had been, "i was saved when i was 8, and pastor paul never calls out backsliders during altar call, he's only talking to new believers." sure enough, that day, what comes out of your mouth: a backsliders altar call. the truth was clear, the goodness was so substantial, there was no room for anything else. it's quite biblical that love covers a multitude of sin. you were loved, honored, adored and respected.
i simply don't recall, or didn't notice, any other pride manifestations. the 20/20 hindsight is what proves those things i mentioned were the signs. those two little utterances, of little consequence, right? well according to i corinthians 5:6, it could have been a pervasive catalyst. i'm convinced that whatever went down to bring you to the point of resignation, was bourne from that pride. i won't imply that you should take complete culpability for it either; your humanity makes your peripheral vision limited. everybody has blind spots. i remember about 2 weeks before the resignation letter was read, you preached Gideon, and made reference to i peter 5:8, but when you said it, it was different than you usually preach. you usually proclaim outward, but, i saw it clearly because i was sitting near the front that day, on this verse it seemed like more of a proclamation inward. everyone needs others in the body to play galatians 6:1, ii timothy 2:4, etc. it's been clear to me, in your absence, the leadership was not set up that way (could be a total extrapolationo, but it's how i'm interpreting things). and even if i did notice these little things here and there, i too never took ownership of that discernment to the point of exhortation, either. we may have been loving you to death, when we should have been loving you to life. so, inasmuch the whole church at any level did that, we should also be deeply sorry and ask your forgiveness.
the problem is this.
i'm sensing the pride again and i have to call you on it. no more silent reflections of how you know best. i need to press in. we serve the same God... just as all the well-intentioned christians will point to your humanity and commonality of sin-nature (romans 3:23) in reference to forgiving you, it must be sited here too. not to say that i'm the queen of all holy-spirit-revealed truth, but here's what i see.
for years, your excitement about the movements of God always filled us with excitement, too. after all, the testimony was exciting: dreams fulfilled, church growing, reaching thousands, 4 services, robust programs... if i know anything about the journey, i know your affinity to Joseph's journey in Genesis. so, are you trying to flip the script and call yourself a David? are you living from an identity bourne of your sin? are you a giant-killing psalmist and king now? if david's restoration is what you stand on these days that's super shaky ground. i'm really nervous for you. humble yourself to the lowest possible place. i'm of the impression that God isnot through with you yet too, but PLEASE, stay in the center of his will. we love you.
HOWEVER,
your sin hasn't been without consequences, some of which you've now experienced. you've lost trust from a lot of people, myself included. i think you're prone to blind spots, especially in this area of pride.
let me say it plain: i think starting a new congregation in the bay is the wrong move, at least right now. i also believe you've created a ii timothy 4:3-4 scenario in your recommissioning process. be very careful: i peter 5:8 is still an active element in the living word, and proverbs 16:18 isn't going anywhere either. since you've already proven that you can't stand on i corinthians 10:13, as a sr. pastor, why would you want to take on such a position again so soon? that seems to be the opposite of circumspect humility.
my 2005 brokenness brought me place where one of your gems burned into my memory:
"if someone proves to you that they can't be trusted, you better believe them. forgiving that person doesn't mean putting yourself in the position where they can hurt you over and over again..."
then came the example of the grandma with a crackheaded son and some keys to her house, LOL, i think there was a uhaul truck in that story too.
but anyways, why should you be trusted again per your own proclaimed words of knowledge above. i will be attending tuesday's event to get first hand information on something that i'm going to hear second hand anyway. This implies ZERO endorsement of your new congregation idea. although, i will be 500% celebrating the restoration. and giving Sister Meredith HUGE hugs.
you've always encouraged us to get in touch with our stuff. let God search every corner... are you really in touch with yours? do you see anywhere in the scriptures someone falling and being restored to the exact same position? explore your core belief behind "the vision that brought us to this region 21 years ago." ask yourself honestly, has that vision been fulfilled already? might God have something new for me now?
i don't even pretend to have answers to any of these questions, but if you haven't asked them, please do. we do still very much love you. this time, i'd like to say i loved you to life instead of to death.
SO
although galatians does sum it up, i will leave you with matthew 18:15-17.
don't be suprised if you find yourself amongst believers in the same way you did when you did a speaking engagement in the city with the football team you hated. when you spoke out of turn about their team, your prayer was, "Lord, help me to never do that again!" remember?
my prevailing hope for you is that you find yourself in the center of God's will continually.
i will see you on tuesday.